Mar 272019

For the last few months, we have been car-less. It was a conscious decision based on a lack of usage and a nagging feeling that we were contributing to the local gridlock. It was the right decision, although we are now viewed slightly oddly.

A car says a great deal about you, not having a car really throws people. In almost any situation, the question ‘So, what do you drive’ comes up. When we say ‘we do not own a car’, we get sympathy. Then we explain that this is not because we are poor, but because we do not need one. This gets a fairly incredulous response. How can we not need a car ?

Well it is simple, we order shopping on line, we walk into town, I ride a motorbike to the office 2-3 days a week and if we suddenly need a car, we simply rent one.

What we are still missing though is a chance for people to judge us based on their perceptions of the various cars on the market. Obviously if we said ‘An 18 plate 7-series BMW’, they would assume that we are super rich, live in a mansion and are probably super posh. If we said ‘an old Ford Fiesta’, then we probably live in a little terrace house on minimal income.

See how this works ?

I started to think about this, and I’ve come up with my assumption, based on what you drive, based on several years of commuting in and out of London and overtaking millions of single-occupant cars

Audi A3 – You really like the idea of a VW Golf, but they are simply not expensive enough. you are probably also not sure how to drive.

Audi A4 – You like the idea of a large car with ah huge boot, but the Skoda Superb is not good enough to show off to your neighbours.

BMW 3-series – You are a low-level salesman. You expect the peasants get out of the way as you feel you are probably royalty

BMW 5-eries – A mid-level salesman that always has a meeting to get to.

BMW X5 – You are an idiot and you drive like a moron all the time.

Vauxhall Insignia – You wish you worked somewhere that gave out BMW 3-series

Ford Mundano – At least you do not drive a Vauxhall Insignia

Any Skoda – Too poor to afford the (arguably better) VW or Audi version

VW Jetta – You would prefer a Golf, but you cannot get enough dead bodies in the hatchback version.

VW Golf R – You really wanted an Audi S3, but mummy would only buy you a VW.

Literally any SUV – You would like people to think that you spend your weekends kayaking, back packing or mountain biking. But really you just like to be able to look down on everyone and you love paying out for all the fuel it burns.

Range Rover – You drive off road a lot. You also define ‘Off Road’ as Waitrose car park.

A lowered shopping trolley with a huge exhaust pipe – you want to be adored. You also like annoying people and I drive like a dick.

Toyota Prius – You dislike petrol stations and excitement in equal measure

Bentley – You play Football 

Aston Martin – You play football a lot. 

Ford Focus – You am a family man/woman 

Ford Focus ST – You are a Yobbo 

Ford Focus RS – Your favourite phrase is ‘hold my beer while I demonstrate drift mode’.

Ford Fiesta ST – You could not afford the Focus RS 

Mercedes A-class – You have no idea how to drive, your daddy got you the car.

Mercedes CLA – You drive with my knees while sexting 

Mercedes B-class – The twitches are not a medical emergency, you are just refreshing facebook.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea……

 Posted by at 10:33 am

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